Sketching the News #4 The Trump Pump That Didn’t Pump by Sarnia de la Maré for Politica UK

DISCLAIMER

Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.

The Trump Pump That Didn’t Pump by Sarnia de la Maré for Politica UK.

Markets plunged today as Bitcoin continued its breathtaking descent from the dizzy heights of October, a fall experts are calling ‘predictable,’ ‘inevitable,’ and ‘surprisingly still not the bottom.

That's right, Bitcoin — the world’s most famous imaginary rock — has plummeted again.
And somewhere in Florida, the President of the USA is insisting it’s all going exactly to plan.

Because if you’ve forgotten, back in October, Donald Trump — Master of the Market, Keeper of the Golf Cart Keys, and part-time crypto visionary — declared his love for Bitcoin.
A ringing endorsement!
A Midas touch!
A sign of imminent prosperity!

Trump blessed this imaginary currency with his royal orange aura — behind its poker face, it fell faster than his legal defence funds.

He promised Bitcoin would rise.
Bitcoin did not rise.
Bitcoin fell over, rolled down a hill, and is currently lying in a ditch asking if anyone has a spare charger.

 

To be fair, crypto has always been a kind of mass performance art — a giant experimental theatre project involving millions of people pretending they understand what’s happening while nodding at charts like they’re reading ancient runes.  

Crypto Confusion for the Masses

Meanwhile, the public continued their noble tradition of not understanding anything.
Ask the average citizen what Bitcoin is and watch them panic-smile while saying things like:

“It’s digital gold?”

“It’s like money but… not?”

“My cousin mines it. In his garage. I think it’s legal.” 

“Just close the curtains, Janet. It’ll crash eventually.”

Nobody understands Bitcoin, but everyone pretends to, just in case someone asks about their “portfolio.”
And by “portfolio,” we of course mean one sad app they downloaded in 2021 because a YouTuber told them they’d be rich.

 

The upshot of the orange phenomenon is that
Crypto continues to plummet and the public continues to ignore it.
Your hairdresser does not care.
Your gran does not care.
The nation is collectively shrugging so hard it could dislocate a shoulder.

The only people still talking about Bitcoin are:

evangelists on podcasts,

men at barbecues who start their sentences with “Look, the thing you’ve got to understand…”,

and politicians who desperately need the youth vote but don’t do TikTok.

 
The Moral of the Story

So what does all this mean?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Crypto goes up, crypto goes down.
Politicians make promises, markets ignore them, unless it is Liz Truss.
Bitcoin continues its existential poetry slam in the dark recesses of the internet.
And we — the normal people — carry on with our day, entirely unelected and blissfully unbothered, still trying to work out how to pay bills online.

In its defence though, Bitcoin has proved to be an emotional support animal for men who call themselves “entrepreneurs” on LinkedIn.

For more moral judgements and irreverence, join me tomorrow wherever you get your podcasts.

This was an officially sarcastic podcast for politica.taletellerclub.com.

Arts Editor & Lead Visual Satirist

Sarnia de la Maré

Creator of the Politica UK caricature series, 

visual commentary, and editorial satire.

Founder

Sarnia de la Maré

Editorial Direction

Sarnia de la Maré

Sketching the News — #3: Trumping Through the Epstein Files

DISCLAIMER:

Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.

Sketching the News — #3: Trumping Through the Epstein Files

DISCLAIMER:

Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.

“🎵 A merry burst of news today,
In operetta style we say… 🎵”

“🎵 Oh! The Epstein files appear again to cause a great kerfuffle,
And Trump begins his trumping with a most cacophonous shuffle!

While Andrew the Sweaty Lodger hangs excuses out to dry,
The Left declare the elite decayed, the Right give Trump a shine.

And over in America, the people softly pray:
‘Forget the billionaires’ tall tales — we’d like our rent to pay!’ 🎵”

“🎵 This has been Politica UK — where the news is operatic,
and the truth… emphatically problematic! 🎵”

Sketching the News — #3: Trumping Through the Epstein Files

BREAKING: Newly unsealed Epstein files have triggered simultaneous panic attacks in Washington and Westminster, as public figures across the English-speaking world frantically rehearse their denials in front of bathroom mirrors and attempt to recall what happened after that eighth Martini.

Donald Trump, meanwhile, has taken to trumping — a verb now defined as:
“speaking loudly, continuously, and off-key.”

He insists, between trumpet solos, that he “never went to that island” and “doesn’t even like islands, or holidays, or planes, or girls.” He added:
“Lots of people have islands; it means nothing; it’s fake news; SAD!”

Reporters noted he managed to contradict himself twelve times in one sentence, which is believed to be a new presidential record.

 
Enter: Andrew (WHO?)

Across the pond, the UK watches with that uniquely British blend of horror and smug superiority.
We, after all, have our own royal train wreck.

Prince… man… mortal… bloke… Andrew — formerly of Windsor, now apparently living in a council flat in Hull — has become a distant memory except when anyone mentions perspiration issues.

Dubbed “Andrew the Sweaty Lodger,” he allegedly shares a washing line with a bloke named Gary, who keeps asking why Andrew sweats in the launderette but not on the dance floor.

His fall from grace remains the national benchmark for disgrace:
“Have you heard the latest about so-and-so?”
“Well, at least he’s not Andrew.”

 
Left and Green Wing View: “The Whole Elite Is Rotting”

Lefties and Greens have formed new alliances over their mutual disgust.

“This is what happens,” one activist said, “when billionaires and aristocrats treat the world like a private members’ club. Next it won’t be an island — it’ll be an entire planet.”

When asked who was paying whom in this case, the activist replied:
“Brother, at this level, everyone pays everyone. It’s a revolving door of hush money and hypocrisy.”

 
Right Wing View: Farage Lights a Candle for Trump

Meanwhile, Nigel Farage has reportedly added Trump’s latest denial to his personal shrine — a shelf containing one MAGA hat, three cigars, and a framed photograph of him beaming like a possessed frog beside the man himself.

Farage praised Trump’s “courageous truth-telling,” which critics noted is an interesting phrase to use for someone who decides truth based on his personal bank balance.

 
Meanwhile, America Is Feeling the Pinch

Ordinary Americans — caught between inflation, cuts, and political chaos — are wondering how they always end up footing the bill for the misadventures of powerful men who swear they “barely knew the guy.”

One exhausted voter told reporters:
“I don’t care who went to what island. I care that my rent eats half my salary. Can someone leak that?”

 
The Trumpet Blows On

For now, Trump continues trumping his way through the scandal — blowing loud, blowing long, and hoping the noise drowns out the details.

Andrew the Sweaty Lodger continues hanging his laundry of excuses out to dry.

And the Epstein files continue their grim march across global headlines — forcing the world to listen to daily trumping.

There is no pain without gain, as Trump’s music teacher allegedly used to say.

More updates as the files leak, the denials crescendo, and the political orchestra continues to play wildly out of tune.

 


DISCLAIMER:
Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.

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Sketching the News — #2: Britain Copies Denmark Without Reading the Instructions

Daily political sketching, commentary, and illustrated insight from the woman observing the animals.

Government Considers “Danish-Style” Immigration Policy, Mainly Because They’ve Run Out of Their Own Ideas

In yet another episode of Britain Looks Over the Fence, the UK government has announced it is “seriously considering” adopting Denmark-style immigration legislation — a statement that, according to insiders, means “we saw a headline about Denmark and thought: ooh, that sounds firm.”

Officials say the plan is to “take inspiration” from Denmark’s approach, despite not being entirely clear on what Denmark’s approach actually is, how it works, or whether it would accidentally create more problems than it solves.

A Home Office source said:
“The Danes seem organised, and frankly we’re a bit tired. If someone else has a functioning policy, why not borrow it wholesale and hope nobody notices?”

What This Actually Means (According to Experts Who Know Things)

The Denmark model involves offshoring asylum processing, strict border controls, and a no-nonsense approach that works precisely because Denmark is… well… Denmark.

The UK, meanwhile, is less Denmark and more “a stressed Victorian circus tent held up by leftover optimism and three fraying ropes.”

One academic warned:
“You can’t just take a Nordic policy and plonk it on Britain. That’s like copying someone’s homework without noticing theirs is written in another language.”

Government Response: “Don’t Worry, We Haven’t Read the Details Yet”

When pressed for specifics, ministers assured the public that everything would be fine because “the vibes are strong,” and the Denmark plan “looks firm, fair, and reassuringly Scandinavian.”

The Prime Minister added that the UK would never outsource asylum processing “in an irresponsible way,” which, translated from Westminster-speak, means “we would absolutely outsource it, as long as it polls well.”

Opposition Reaction

Labour responded by saying the government was “panicking,” “copying Denmark without understanding Denmark,” and “once again discovering a policy via Google Images.”

A Liberal Democrat spokesperson attempted to offer nuance before being immediately ignored.

Public Reaction

The British public, recovering from last week’s announcements, shrugged in the national manner and said:
“Sure. Why not? It’s not like anything makes sense anymore anyway.”

And in Denmark…

The Danish government said it was flattered Britain had taken an interest, adding politely:
“Please stop.”

More updates as the situation develops, collapses, or is replaced by a shiny new announcement tomorrow.

©2025 Sarnia de la Mare

Published by Tale teller Club Press