DISCLAIMER:
Sketching the News — #3: Trumping Through the Epstein Files
DISCLAIMER:
Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.
“🎵 A merry burst of news today,
In operetta style we say… 🎵”
“🎵 Oh! The Epstein files appear again to cause a great kerfuffle,
And Trump begins his trumping with a most cacophonous shuffle!
While Andrew the Sweaty Lodger hangs excuses out to dry,
The Left declare the elite decayed, the Right give Trump a shine.
And over in America, the people softly pray:
‘Forget the billionaires’ tall tales — we’d like our rent to pay!’ 🎵”
“🎵 This has been Politica UK — where the news is operatic,
and the truth… emphatically problematic! 🎵”
Sketching the News — #3: Trumping Through the Epstein Files
BREAKING: Newly unsealed Epstein files have triggered simultaneous panic attacks in Washington and Westminster, as public figures across the English-speaking world frantically rehearse their denials in front of bathroom mirrors and attempt to recall what happened after that eighth Martini.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, has taken to trumping — a verb now defined as:
“speaking loudly, continuously, and off-key.”
He insists, between trumpet solos, that he “never went to that island” and “doesn’t even like islands, or holidays, or planes, or girls.” He added:
“Lots of people have islands; it means nothing; it’s fake news; SAD!”
Reporters noted he managed to contradict himself twelve times in one sentence, which is believed to be a new presidential record.
Enter: Andrew (WHO?)
Across the pond, the UK watches with that uniquely British blend of horror and smug superiority.
We, after all, have our own royal train wreck.
Prince… man… mortal… bloke… Andrew — formerly of Windsor, now apparently living in a council flat in Hull — has become a distant memory except when anyone mentions perspiration issues.
Dubbed “Andrew the Sweaty Lodger,” he allegedly shares a washing line with a bloke named Gary, who keeps asking why Andrew sweats in the launderette but not on the dance floor.
His fall from grace remains the national benchmark for disgrace:
“Have you heard the latest about so-and-so?”
“Well, at least he’s not Andrew.”
Left and Green Wing View: “The Whole Elite Is Rotting”
Lefties and Greens have formed new alliances over their mutual disgust.
“This is what happens,” one activist said, “when billionaires and aristocrats treat the world like a private members’ club. Next it won’t be an island — it’ll be an entire planet.”
When asked who was paying whom in this case, the activist replied:
“Brother, at this level, everyone pays everyone. It’s a revolving door of hush money and hypocrisy.”
Right Wing View: Farage Lights a Candle for Trump
Meanwhile, Nigel Farage has reportedly added Trump’s latest denial to his personal shrine — a shelf containing one MAGA hat, three cigars, and a framed photograph of him beaming like a possessed frog beside the man himself.
Farage praised Trump’s “courageous truth-telling,” which critics noted is an interesting phrase to use for someone who decides truth based on his personal bank balance.
Meanwhile, America Is Feeling the Pinch
Ordinary Americans — caught between inflation, cuts, and political chaos — are wondering how they always end up footing the bill for the misadventures of powerful men who swear they “barely knew the guy.”
One exhausted voter told reporters:
“I don’t care who went to what island. I care that my rent eats half my salary. Can someone leak that?”
The Trumpet Blows On
For now, Trump continues trumping his way through the scandal — blowing loud, blowing long, and hoping the noise drowns out the details.
Andrew the Sweaty Lodger continues hanging his laundry of excuses out to dry.
And the Epstein files continue their grim march across global headlines — forcing the world to listen to daily trumping.
There is no pain without gain, as Trump’s music teacher allegedly used to say.
More updates as the files leak, the denials crescendo, and the political orchestra continues to play wildly out of tune.
DISCLAIMER:
Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.
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