DISCLAIMER
Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.The Epstein Files Break Every Sales Record—Despite Being Almost Entirely Unreadable Podcast
By Sarnia de la Maré for Politica UK
Move aside Colleen Hoover. Step back, Richard Osman. Clear the runway entirely, Booker Prize hopefuls.
The new, unstoppable titan of global fiction has arrived—and it is, quite frankly, a brick of secrets wrapped in a dust jacket.
The Epstein Files, billed as “the novel the establishment doesn’t want you to read,” has smashed every publishing record in existence this week, selling faster than Taylor Swift tickets and causing bookstores to introduce a two-copy limit after several customers were caught fist-fighting near the window displays.
The only problem?
Nobody can actually read the bloody thing.
A Page-Turner You Can’t Turn
Early purchasers describe the reading experience as “challenging,” “emotionally complex,” and, in one case, “like trying to decode a crossword written by MI6 during a power cut.”
Readers report palpable tension on every page, rising dread, a sense of looming revelation—and then, abruptly—
a long black line, in fact,
—twenty-six lines of dense, black rectangles.
Book groups across the UK and USA have praised the novel for its “haunting minimalism” and “bold stylistic choices,” although privately most admit they are essentially discussing a 480-page block of government blackout tape with chapter numbers.
“I Could Feel Something Important Was Under There”
Said one one reviewer excitedly. The Times called it “a masterwork of suspense—one can practically smell the suppressed truth trying to claw its way out.”
Another reviewer praised newcomer author Donald Trump (a name widely believed to be a pseudonym for an inmate at an institution for the mentally ill) for “the way each redaction adds psychological weight and forces the reader to confront their own complicity.”
A less forgiving Amazon reviewer wrote:
“I can’t tell if this is a novel, a legal document, or a printer error. I highlighted every redacted block on my Kindle hoping for clues. Found nothing. Five stars.”
Libraries are overwhelmed and have reported unprecedented demand, with waiting lists stretching into 2027.
One New York librarian confessed:
“People sit in silence for hours staring at the pages like they’re reading tea leaves. Some swear the rectangles are getting darker. Some say they are red, others say blue, I worry for them.”
The Plot (What Little There Is of It) allegedly follows a mysterious figure unraveling a global conspiracy—at least according to the blurb.
Critics are divided, some calling the work a groundbreaking art piece that is a metaphor for the end of civilisation.
While some praise the book as a groundbreaking experiment in narrative obstruction, others whisper that it’s simply what happens when you let AI do the post edit.
Either way, the tension is undeniable.
Every page brims with the expectation that something explosive is beneath the darkness
Rumours are already swirling about The Epstein Files: Volume II, currently known only by its working title:
Publishers refuse to comment, except to say it’s “even more revealing” than the first.
Which, given the bar, is not difficult.
What matters is that The Epstein Files has captured the global imagination, stirred international debate, and reminded the world of a timeless truth:
Nothing sells like a mystery—
especially one you are physically prevented from reading.
Arts Editor & Lead Visual Satirist
Sarnia de la Maré
Creator of the Politica UK caricature series,
visual commentary, and editorial satire.
Founder
Sarnia de la Maré
Editorial Direction
Sarnia de la Maré
