DISCLAIMER
Sketching the News is a satirical political commentary series. All characters, scenarios, and descriptions in this article are fictionalised for humour, parody, and critical commentary. No allegations are made; real public figures are portrayed through exaggerated, imaginary scenarios for satirical effect only.The Trump Pump That Didn’t Pump by Sarnia de la Maré for Politica UK.
Markets plunged today as Bitcoin continued its breathtaking descent from the dizzy heights of October, a fall experts are calling ‘predictable,’ ‘inevitable,’ and ‘surprisingly still not the bottom.
That's right, Bitcoin — the world’s most famous imaginary rock — has plummeted again.
And somewhere in Florida, the President of the USA is insisting it’s all going exactly to plan.
And somewhere in Florida, the President of the USA is insisting it’s all going exactly to plan.
Because if you’ve forgotten, back in October, Donald Trump — Master of the Market, Keeper of the Golf Cart Keys, and part-time crypto visionary — declared his love for Bitcoin.
A ringing endorsement!
A Midas touch!
A sign of imminent prosperity!
A ringing endorsement!
A Midas touch!
A sign of imminent prosperity!
Trump blessed this imaginary currency with his royal orange aura — behind its poker face, it fell faster than his legal defence funds.
He promised Bitcoin would rise.
Bitcoin did not rise.
Bitcoin fell over, rolled down a hill, and is currently lying in a ditch asking if anyone has a spare charger.
To be fair, crypto has always been a kind of mass performance art — a giant experimental theatre project involving millions of people pretending they understand what’s happening while nodding at charts like they’re reading ancient runes.
Ask the average citizen what Bitcoin is and watch them panic-smile while saying things like:
“It’s digital gold?”
“It’s like money but… not?”
“My cousin mines it. In his garage. I think it’s legal.”
Crypto Confusion for the Masses
Meanwhile, the public continued their noble tradition of not understanding anything.Ask the average citizen what Bitcoin is and watch them panic-smile while saying things like:
“It’s digital gold?”
“It’s like money but… not?”
“My cousin mines it. In his garage. I think it’s legal.”
“Just close the curtains, Janet. It’ll crash eventually.”
Nobody understands Bitcoin, but everyone pretends to, just in case someone asks about their “portfolio.”
And by “portfolio,” we of course mean one sad app they downloaded in 2021 because a YouTuber told them they’d be rich.
Nobody understands Bitcoin, but everyone pretends to, just in case someone asks about their “portfolio.”
And by “portfolio,” we of course mean one sad app they downloaded in 2021 because a YouTuber told them they’d be rich.
The upshot of the orange phenomenon is that
Crypto continues to plummet and the public continues to ignore it.
Your hairdresser does not care.
Your gran does not care.
The nation is collectively shrugging so hard it could dislocate a shoulder.
The only people still talking about Bitcoin are:
evangelists on podcasts,
men at barbecues who start their sentences with “Look, the thing you’ve got to understand…”,
and politicians who desperately need the youth vote but don’t do TikTok.
Crypto continues to plummet and the public continues to ignore it.
Your hairdresser does not care.
Your gran does not care.
The nation is collectively shrugging so hard it could dislocate a shoulder.
The only people still talking about Bitcoin are:
evangelists on podcasts,
men at barbecues who start their sentences with “Look, the thing you’ve got to understand…”,
and politicians who desperately need the youth vote but don’t do TikTok.
The Moral of the Story
So what does all this mean?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Crypto goes up, crypto goes down.
Politicians make promises, markets ignore them, unless it is Liz Truss.
Bitcoin continues its existential poetry slam in the dark recesses of the internet.
And we — the normal people — carry on with our day, entirely unelected and blissfully unbothered, still trying to work out how to pay bills online.
In its defence though, Bitcoin has proved to be an emotional support animal for men who call themselves “entrepreneurs” on LinkedIn.
For more moral judgements and irreverence, join me tomorrow wherever you get your podcasts.
This was an officially sarcastic podcast for politica.taletellerclub.com.
Arts Editor & Lead Visual Satirist
Sarnia de la Maré
Creator of the Politica UK caricature series,
visual commentary, and editorial satire.
Founder
Sarnia de la Maré
Editorial Direction
Sarnia de la Maré