Government Considers “Danish-Style” Immigration Policy, Mainly Because They’ve Run Out of Their Own Ideas
In yet another episode of Britain Looks Over the Fence, the UK government has announced it is “seriously considering” adopting Denmark-style immigration legislation — a statement that, according to insiders, means “we saw a headline about Denmark and thought: ooh, that sounds firm.”
Officials say the plan is to “take inspiration” from Denmark’s approach, despite not being entirely clear on what Denmark’s approach actually is, how it works, or whether it would accidentally create more problems than it solves.
A Home Office source said:
“The Danes seem organised, and frankly we’re a bit tired. If someone else has a functioning policy, why not borrow it wholesale and hope nobody notices?”
What This Actually Means (According to Experts Who Know Things)
The Denmark model involves offshoring asylum processing, strict border controls, and a no-nonsense approach that works precisely because Denmark is… well… Denmark.
The UK, meanwhile, is less Denmark and more “a stressed Victorian circus tent held up by leftover optimism and three fraying ropes.”
One academic warned:
“You can’t just take a Nordic policy and plonk it on Britain. That’s like copying someone’s homework without noticing theirs is written in another language.”
Government Response: “Don’t Worry, We Haven’t Read the Details Yet”
When pressed for specifics, ministers assured the public that everything would be fine because “the vibes are strong,” and the Denmark plan “looks firm, fair, and reassuringly Scandinavian.”
The Prime Minister added that the UK would never outsource asylum processing “in an irresponsible way,” which, translated from Westminster-speak, means “we would absolutely outsource it, as long as it polls well.”
Opposition Reaction
Labour responded by saying the government was “panicking,” “copying Denmark without understanding Denmark,” and “once again discovering a policy via Google Images.”
A Liberal Democrat spokesperson attempted to offer nuance before being immediately ignored.
Public Reaction
The British public, recovering from last week’s announcements, shrugged in the national manner and said:
“Sure. Why not? It’s not like anything makes sense anymore anyway.”
And in Denmark…
The Danish government said it was flattered Britain had taken an interest, adding politely:
“Please stop.”
More updates as the situation develops, collapses, or is replaced by a shiny new announcement tomorrow.
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Published by Tale teller Club Press